Wow.. I’ve not had this much confusion and being upset in a long time.  I got a call from my mom today that her dad passed away. I’d not seen him since Jennah was a baby. I didn’t get upset, but felt really sad for my mom, her mother passed away about a year or so before Jennah was born, my mom took it real bad  back then I hadn’t built the barrier I have up now. So it crushed me to hear my mom so upset, we still had this really weird bond. I was(and still am) the type of person that hurts to be without family, but wants more than nothing to have as positive as possible life for my children. I’m struggling so hard to give that to Jennah, were-as my mother, didn’t!  Now since my mom’s illness’s last March, it’s strange she calls me more often, and actually asks about Jennah. She suffered a lot, and I often wonder being that I’m so on my own with really no one to turn to, other than Jays parent’s which is something I try not to do. And really are they any different than my family? Not really. They play favorites with the kids, Jennah feels like somewhat of an outcast, as do I. Which for me it’s only natural being that I’m the EX daughter in law. And I try so hard to limit myself as much as possible, and take the odd invite to dinner, and I do Jennah and I’s laundry there. & yes now they’re moving below me……

With my mom making this effort to rebuild some-kind of relationship it’s got me all over the place, I understand she’s been through a lot in the last year but before that I planned to have an earnest talk with her about everything, then she got sick and I’ve not had the heart to do so with the way she’s  been. She’s not been selfish, she’s asked about Jennah and asked to see us. And it’s hard, because now she can’t drive, and I don’t drive and we live 30 minutes apart.

Then with my grandfather passing today, the only grandfather I had known. I really adored my grandfather in many ways. My mothers mom, not so much, and she’s the main reason that we didn’t have much of them in our lives growing up. But every chance we were around my grandpa he was always really good to us. :(

Class ontop of all of this has just wiped me, I’ve gotten really anxious, frazzled and at around 10:30pm I just got real sad and bawled *still teary eyed* I’ve not been able to shake it. I’ve missed having family </3  I think should I have tried to resolve things before my mom got sick, and my grandfather died, he’d been ill for awhile, dimensia(sp?).  Is there room for another chance, I mean it’s hard for me to even consider. But Jennah would like to see her.. I’m just all over the place. And not sure how to feel or think. My heart is aching for that missing piece, as fucked up as were. I’ve just got one of those scrambled families they’re all over southern Ontario.. The same thing with my nieces, I miss them so very much. It’s not the same talking to them on here. I have two great nephews I’ve only seen the oldest Nicolas once, and not see Micheal.. And once upon a time, as screwed up as my family was, it was a tight knit sort of dysfunctional mess.   There was a lot of hurt, but it took me a long time to grow and become more protective of myself, and that I’ve become, I’m a stronger person in many ways, more so than I was once upon a time. It took a helluva lot of hurt to get me to this point, but I’m here..

Yet I don’t feel that strong at this moment, and have been having more moments like this than I care to admit too. And I see  Jennah’s hurt from how she feels about not having the same treatment at the other grandkids, and the want to see my mom, and know her. And that leaves me so divided and makes that sad little girl feeling come back to me. And I don’t like it!

I’m not even sure what the hell I’m trying to say here. To me it’s just all a buncha rambles and shit that have been floating about me, waiting to come out. I guess stress of school, bills, my co-op, mom, Jay, my grandfather dying and in laws moving below me has kinda put a spin on my emotions. Not that I really mind the ex in laws moving below me, but I am reserved a bit.

My god, I’ve rambled enough and it’s 12:30am almost and I have to try to get more homework done how i don’t know, I Don’t have it in me, my  head is everywhere I can’t focus. And I have class tomorrow.  Not sure if I want to bring this up to Michelle(teacher) tomorrow or not, I don’t want that sympathy and really can’t afford to be sent home.. But fuck there’s just no way I am going to be able to focus tomorrow..

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